


Some Say..

by shewhoguards



Category: Top Gear UK
Genre: Cars, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-24
Updated: 2009-12-24
Packaged: 2017-10-05 05:22:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/38231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shewhoguards/pseuds/shewhoguards
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We've got a problem. The Stig called in. He's got the swine flu."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some Say..

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zortified](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Zortified).



> Thank you for to the beta reader, and the nice people in the chat room who suggested "a car Clarkson would wet his pants to drive".

  
"We've got a problem. The Stig called in. He's got the swine flu."

  
  


The news dropped like a brick into the midst of the Top Gear crew. The idea that the Stig was human enough to get ill was almost as shocking as the idea of him knowing how to use a phone.

  
  


"When you say he called in, do you mean.. he actually made the call?" Richard said cautiously.

  
  


"Well, if you want to be strictly accurate, someone else called in and told us," Andy Wilhim snapped. "Maybe he held up a sign at the window or something, I don't know. The point is, we've got no-one to drive the Estoque."

  
  


The Estoque. Not a few eyes widened around the table at that news. No-one had been certain the thing even _existed_, and the idea that Top Gear might get a test drive had been unthinkable until a few weeks ago. It had been delivered the day before, and Jeremy wasn't the only one who had been to gape at its shining silver form. If things continued like things, it would be ruled with rust from the drool.

  
  


"I'll drive," Jeremy said now without hesitation. "We can fit it into the schedule. I'll _make_ it fit."

  
  


It just earned him a snort from the production manager however. "Not even half a chance," Andy said firmly. "Do you know how many agreements I've had to sign promising that you won't touch that car in order to get hold of it? They'd sue my arse off."

  
  


"Bad luck, mate," Richard said, seeming cheered by this news. "Well, I could--"

  
  


Andy shook his head. "No, no, and no. We want a proper driver. If that thing goes back with even a _scratch, _the chances of us ever getting a Lamborghini again are zero, do you understand?" 

  


  
"At least I'm a _proper driver_," Jeremy said, smirking at Richard. 

  
  


James cleared his throat. "We could get a cousin of the Stig," he suggested. "It's been done before."

  
  


"Right." Andy looked relieved by the suggestion. "Do that. Just make sure there's someone ready to drive it who won't_ crash _the thing, do you understand?"

  
  


***

  
  


The day of the test-drive dawned bright and early, and the camera crew got themselves ready setting up beside the track. They were soon joined by the expected figure in white uniform, his helmet masking his face.

  
  


Their expressions turned a little more puzzled, however, when they were joined by a second, rather shorter, white-clad figure. The two didn't seem too pleased to see each other, and spent the waiting time glaring at each other silently through their helmets.

  
  


_"Families," _one of the crew said knowingly, and the others nodded agreement. They were cousins, after all, and families could be subject to all sorts of strange feuds, even if they were related to the Stig.

  
  


They were almost ready to start when the third driver joined them, this one half-running so as not to be late. The three Stigs looked at each other, and then the tallest one gestured, leading them away out of the camera-crew's earshot.

  
  


"Some say he can almost see over the wheel if he's given two telephone books to sit on?" he hissed nastily. "Or some say he might possibly get a decent time on the track if you compared him to a tortoise?"

  
  


"Well, what are you?" the shortest driver snapped back. "Some say he... he..." Inspiration seemed to be running low. "...has a nasty bald spot on the top of his head?"

  
  


"I do not!"

  
  


"Wait, wait." The third driver held up his hands. "I thought you two had agreed to let a cousin of the Stig's drive?"

  
  


"Well, so did you!" Jeremy said indignantly. "I thought you were the one who was all about rules. Everyone _expects _me to be a lying bastard, but _you..._"

  


  
It was impossible to see James flush beneath the helmet, but his voice sounded embarrassed. "Yes well. They were all.. busy."

  
  


"Yes," Richard echoed. "Busy."

  
  


"Well, _someone's _going to have to drive so I'll just..." Jeremy gestured off towards the camera crew.

  
  


"Oh, no, no, no." James grabbed his arm before he could go anywhere. "After that agreement to get the car? No way. It's a _legal agreement. _That means big scary lawyers who don't get scared if you insult them on the news spot, in case you hadn't realised."

  
  


"I'll do it," Richard volunteered readily. "No legal agreement against_ me_ doing it."

  
  


Jeremy glared at him. "Quite apart from the fact that I don't think the audience will buy the Stig's 'really short cousin,' you crashed the last really fast car you drove."

  
  


"Which leaves me," James said cheerfully.

  
  


"Oh, we'll return in a week to watch you finish then, shall we? Letting someone like you drive a car like that should be a _crime. _They should lock you up for commiting an obscenity on a beautiful car._"_

  
  


Caught up in their argument, the three of them had failed to notice the discussion and activity going on behind them. It took the purr of a motor springing into life to catch their attention, and finally they turned to see what the camera crew was up to. 

  
  


They watched with some dismay as the Lamborghini Estoque disappeared into the distance.

  
  


***

  
  


Some things just weren't meant to be. Not to say that there weren't some cross words exchanged after the whole incident, but a visit to the pub soothed their tempers. It usually did.

  
  


Still, the three presenters looked at each other ruefully as they stood up to announce the section.

  
  


"Some say," Richard said with resignation, "that his blood is being used to vaccinate the whole of the UK against swine flu."

  
  


"Some say," James continued, "that if _he _had been in charge at the time, people would have worked through the Great Plague."

  
  


"He's called..." Jeremy finished, and the audience roared their approval along with the expected ending "...the Stig!"

  
  


And the clip began. 

  
  



End file.
